Tinkered together-- a list of obvious wisdom.

This is it.
The last month of being not married.

Interesting concept.

So, in parting (the blog will go on, the "single" status won't), I bequeath to you, whomever you may be, some parting thoughts: The red flags of relationships and the good signs. A list of things I've learned over the last 18 years:

The good sign:
He can easily and comfortably talk about uncomfortable things in a past relationship you'd rather not discuss with him. Or ever remember again. (Understand YOU are the one that's bothered, not him!)
The red flag:
He gets pissed as hell at the drop of a name from your past.

The good sign:
You can talk about anything you like and he willingly engages in the conversation with great interest. You know you won't have to "pay" for it later.
The red flag:
You talk about your past knowing it will get brought up again during a "misunderstanding" or an outright fight.

The good sign:
You are welcome to maintain friendships you had before you met him.
The red flag:
You are, for one reason or another, unable to speak to or continue a relationship with a particular person or a particular group of people.

The good sign:
You have a bad day dealing with some kind of crap. He understands and listens, offers condolences and/or his opinions on how to handle it.
The red flag:
You have a bad day but end up having to take care of him because he's freaking out because you had a bad day.

The good sign:
He loves you and genuinely enjoys you, your personality, and your company. You have no reason to want to bail.
The red flag:
He doesn't want you to leave because he loves you and he will have a breakdown. His entire world seems to hinge on your relationship with him.

The good sign:
He loves his family and has a healthy relationship with them. They let him handle his own affairs.
The red flag:
He loves his family and they will fight his battles for him. Look out. They're after you, too.

The good sign:
He's been through some serious life altering crap, but he's come out clean and stronger on the other side.
The red flag:
He's been through some serious life altering crap and he's extremely insecure. (Which is why you can't talk to those people and you feel like you're the one holding him together.)

The good sign:
He will take tylenol when he has a headache.
The red flag:
He will take multiple pills while locked in your mom's bathroom because he's THAT freaked out. Probably over something you've done wrong (at least in his opinion).

The good sign:
He holds a steady job.
The red flag:
He holds a steady job on the condition that he consistently sees psychiatrist and takes his anti-depressants.

The good sign:
He laughs and plays when you have a tickle fight.
The red flag:
He punches the air two inches from your face when you tickle him.

The good sign:
He loves you no matter how screwed up you are.
The red flag:
He loves you so long as you don't piss him off or hurt his feelings. Then he scorns you.

The good sign:
He playfully teases you about things that aren't sensitive issues.
The red flag:
He teases you nonstop about some sensitive things that you quickly wish you never told him.

The good sign:
Calls you names like "honey," "love," and "sweetie."
The red flag:
Calls you names like, "bitch," "whore," and says other things that are particularly cruel about sensitive subjects.

The good sign:
He gets along really well with you friends. Even if he might not agree with the things they do, he still is cordial and friendly; they would never notice anything negative.
The red flag:
He finds things wrong with every friend you have, may refuse to hang out with them, and/or even try to convince you that your step family is not your family because they are not blood relatives.

The good sign:
He lets you have your own opinions, and even though he doesn't agree, will respect your reasoning and let you go with it.
The red flag:
He disagrees with your opinions and philosophies, and will bring it up repeatedly to argue his side until you agree with him. (and you find yourself agreeing because you're sick of fighting about it.)

A good sign:
Your friends and family love him.
A bad sign:
Your friends and family don't like him, are weary of him, OR they sit you down to tell you they can tell you're not really happy.

A good sign:
You call him by the wrong name (like an ex-boyfriend's name) and he laughs it off or makes a joke out of it.
A red flag:
You call him by the wrong name and he makes no attempt at hiding his anger, even if you are visiting with friends. And you know IMMEDIATELY there will be hell to pay.

A good sign:
His family tells you they are happy to have you around.
A red flag:
His family tells you something like, "I love my brother, but he's a manipulator, and you're outmatched." (I will never forget hearing that.)

A good sign:
You don't need to see a shrink.
A red flag:
Your therapist tells you, "Nicole, do you want to drive yourself insane? Because you will if you keep seeing him." (Thank you, Maria-- I am eternally grateful for your honesty.)

A good sign:
You are proud of your relationship with him and are excited to show off your ring and/or gush about him.
A red flag:
You hide your hand around certain people because you are not particularly proud of being engaged to him.

A good sign:
Life sucks and he holds you closer.
A red flag:
Life sucks and he pushes you away and blames you.

A good sign:
Spending time with him feels comfortable, warm, and down to earth-- they are damn good times.
A red flag:
Spending time with him includes high drama and only very sad stories-- mostly his.

Hm... I seem to be running out of fodder. I think I've scoured every unhealthy relationship I've known. And there have been... what, 4 or 5 that I'm particularly describing here.

I have done a lot of stupid things to earn this wisdom. I have put up with too much bullshit. I haven't had the strength or this smarts to leave when the red flags popped up before.

Kinda hate myself a little for all that. But you know, I can't argue. Look what I've learned. Even if it's all the stuff that obvious to everyone else, it's good. Who can turn down knowledge?

Well, I can, if it's the stuff I never wanted to know...
like, you know, what stucco looks like naked or something. ;)

Hang on, be right there...

I know I'm neglectful.
I have a post brewing: some general updates, and some other thoughts to share. I should get to that tonight, and that's also when I'll be groveling for apologies because I've been ...well, neglectful.

be back soon..